Metta and Karuna

Photo: Sunset on the mt. road from Wiamea, Hawaii
(Sent to me by a dear friend who lives there and is an amazing photographer!)

These two words have the most incredible meaning. They both are from the Pali lanugage, an ancient Indo-ariyan language.

"Metta" can be translated as loving-kindness or the ability of the heart to love unconditionally.

"Karuna" means compassion or the ability of the heart to open to one's own and others pain or grief.

These two qualities of heart and mind have really served me well on this breast cancer journey. My tendency is to work things out in my head, to think things through. And that has been very good most of the time. But I can assure you there are times when thinking it through isn't going to do it.

When you are pushed to that edge and your mind is zooming to 'work it out - and then there is the realization that this isn't exactly working as you planned.

"The Edge"- a great place to get to know yourself.

We all know this place. Just when you think you can't do "this" anymore!" - something can happen to open to other possibilities. Light can arise from darkness. Coolness replaces the burning; this is one of those paradoxical things. Until one has hung out and experienced this place it's hard to grasp.

It was with one of these "edgey wedgie experiences', that I had one night after surgery (lotsa pain - yum), that my heart decided to take the leap from the 'thinking raft' to the 'metta/karuna raft'. This was a revolutionary thing for me and a complete blessing. The nature of true love and compassion is to completely surround, hold, love and just accept what ever is arising. No judgements, shoulds, what-ifs; just complete okayness and acceptance with what 'is' in that moment.

This quality of acceptance is so extraordinary; it can profoundly impact our relationship and attitude to what is going on. Especially if you are experiencing one of those lovely edge spaces (a.k.a. The cliff ;)

Opening to love and compassion for ourselves seems to be very difficult for us. We are usually the last recipients of our love. When we really need to be the first. It is so much easier to love and be open hearted to others if your heart is already loved by yourself. This is a perennial truth of the universe. There are no arguments against this one. (But good try).

Time to love, everybody.

And remember to start with you know who ;)

Alternative Healing Therapies to the Rescue!

Neuropathic pain. Nerves damaged. Nerves attempting to repair themselves. Nerves closely tied with energetic level. We now enter the realm of finer materiality. Couldn't be a better time to use alternative therapies to soothe, heal and mend those jittery nerves on the physical level.

Yay! And it works well. Ron has been using the techniques learnt from the energy medicine course we took last October. Every time he does a healing session the words associated with the experience is "creamy". Like the raw, burning wound sensation disappears and everything feels -creamy! Ah! Another kind of bliss :) Thanks again to brill husband. (He actually already has very powerful healing abilities).

I'm also still taking ibuprofen and am experimenting with a lidocaine patch on a small area to see if that helps over a longer period of time. Remember - holistic healing, for moi, incorporates all modalities of medicine.

Ron also had a reassuring conversation with his dermatologist today (he had a benign mole checked out). When Ron described my pain symptoms to him after my mastectomy he was completely non-plussed. And responded that it was completely normal, as the nerves were regenerating themselves over scar tissue, and the pain could be around for months(!) but would gradually subside.

It's great I meditate. Pain when reduced to its various physical sensations, make good objects for the mind to look at. Just to observe them by clearly noticing them closely moment to moment helps take the concept of "pain" away and to then just see them all as a kaleidoscope of feelings. One can then see they are not permanent or static but constantly changing. And by seeing this the sense of solidity is broken up and maybe then one isn't in "constant pain" but really its a play of different sensations.

Phew! This is a great incentive to meditate more!

(Oh - and I hit my finger with a hammer today and dripped blood. Another subject to work with! ;)

Smiling is not mandatory

Photo: May the Angels and Devas continue to protect us.

Just because I always had a smile on my face in my hospital slide show doesn't mean I'm permanently a happy person. Sorry to disillusion you - I know you thought at least there is one happy person out there. Well, there most probably is - but it's not me.

Do I sound depressed? Well, maybe a bit. Remember, this is the pain posting!

So, the first 2-3 days after surgery I was doing great, sailing actually. I got home, did the laundry with 48 hours of my operation, cooked, generally life as usual. Except I forgot about a little bit of drug therapy that I was so blissfully aware and unaware about. The Magic Ball! This was the local analgesic that was being infused in the incision area for 2-3 days post-surgery. And blissful it was!

Until. Yep, it finally finished it's infusing. The Magic Ball changed to a deflated ball and the truth of having the body cut into became apparent. I seemed to manage on ibuprofen, tylanol and tiny amounts of narcotics (Vicodin and Percocet).

But the pain then seemed to increase for the next few days. It felt like sandpaper on a raw wound with electric shocks stabbing through the area (sounds like a torture treatment!). One thing I wasn't prepared for was the extent of the area traumatised. I thought it would be just the incision area but it is the whole left chest space that is healing - sternum to armpit; collarbone down to lower ribs. The nerves have been cut and are very confused right now! Even soft clothing next to the skin was hurtie - I even attempted to redesign a camisole with scissors(!).

So I got on the 'ole Internet to research these weird pain sensations. I quickly found a condition called "Post Breast Therapy Pain Syndrome" (PBTPS). Yuck! It seems to describe the sensations I'm having. So, no, I wasn't smiling after reading this. Especially knowing that some women have this neuropathic pain for months or years after surgery. This is a link to info on it: http://www.cancerlynx.com/painpbtps.html

So, today, I called a nurse who I thought had enrolled me in a clinical study through UCSF to measure the side effects of breast surgery, which included pain management. I knew they used a lidocaine patch (local analgesic) to help control pain. Unfortunately, when I spoke to her she informed me that she had gone away for 2 weeks over the holiday period and there had been no way to contact her. And that I was no longer eligible for the study. She said she had needed to see me a 2nd time before the operation but for some reason, she had never contacted me again (she said she had seen my name on the surgery list but didn't contact me before leaving on her vacation - strange and sad).

Anyway - I was rather hurt and disappointed to not be part of this clinical trail. I felt that this was a way that I would be able to give back some and help to further the understanding of breast cancer in anyway possible. This disease is just wretched. So many women and families are devastated by it.

I then called the good doctor, himself. I needed my pain meds! I tried to schedule an appointment but next Wednesday was the earliest. So I mentioned "pain" to the scheduler and it was like a magic word. I got through to the doc's assistant and she said the doc would call me back in a few.

And he did. I proceeded to tell him my tales of woe, torture and clothing redesign. And requested lidocaine pain patches. He was more than happy to prescribe them. But he also reassured me that this was still early healing days and to maybe rest more and that taking it easy was in order(what? Huh? Rest?! Me??!). He said a great phrase - this might just need the "Tincture of Time". Very cool saying!

So hopefully this episode with bodily pain is just a part of the normal healing journey and very temporary. May it truly be so.

I know pain is an integral part of our human existence. And one should learn to accept that as so(but with plenty of pain meds ;)

I got aspirated today

Photo: Wildman sez, "Chill, baby".

Saw the surgeon again today to check out the incision and my well being.

There was a bit of fluid collecting under the mastectomy site and the doc offered to aspirate the fluid. He said I would feel more comfortable with it gone.

He proceeded to swab the area with alcohol and inserted a large gauge needle attached to a line/tube to a large hypodermic syringe. (The nerves were cut in the surgery area and so it was numb). I was lying on the exam table and wanted to look but he asked me to put my head back. But once he had inserted the needle, I asked to look again and he gave the okay.

I actually found it very cool to watch the clear yellow (seromous?) fluid be sucked out. He got out about 25cc out. I asked if I could recycle the large syringe. But, no, I couldn't. That's one thing I noticed about healthcare - their recycling is very poor. They have to throw so much stuff away 'cos it's potentially infectious.

In a conversation Ron and I had after the consult with the doc, Ron remarked how he had been able to appreciate this doctor's amazing ability to be a both a brilliant technical surgeon and also be very emotionally present for his patients. A very rare combination.

I lamented how I felt like "a deer in the headlights". Meaning I'm "It". My ordeal of dealing with this breast cancer journey hasn't afforded me the same space to appreciate this good guy who operated on my chest.

The incision itself looks very good and is healing nicely. He said I could take off the "steri-strips" as the wound had closed up enough.

Next post is all about pain. Can't you just wait!!!

Okay - now hand over the narcotics, please!

P.S. PMS and Narcotics don't mix well

Photo: Some signs can be very, well, um, graphic (ouch!!)

So, I'm being very prudent in taking very little opioid painkillers (1/4 tablet). When these drugs are mixed with hormonal fluctuations, it can brew more volatile emotional states of mind. 'Nuff said! (Send Ron positive thoughts ;)

I have 4 exercises (prescribed by the surgeon) to undertake, 4 times daily, each exercise consisting of 1o reps. Which , Ron, points out, adds up to 160 actual stretches a day.

These exercises are intended to facilitate the correct healing of the scar tissue that is forming. The range of movement has been somewhat compromised by the surgery. Removal of skin, breast tissue and lymph nodes understandably traumatised the area and so the subsequent healing of the incision area needs careful attention.

Apparently, to quote from my post-op instructions from the doctor; "The scar heals by contraction and inversion" and "So, you need to gently stretch that developing dense rubber band of scar tissue, so that the scar ends up like a loose rubber band, not a tight one".

It is quite painful to do the exercises. My deal is to gauge how much pain I should push through. I can definitely take pain but working out what is acceptable and what is not and what may be causing any damage is the edge I'm working with at the moment.

Optimally, I should be able to bring my whole arm out and up vertically straight up above my head and reach for the stars! I can do it but it hurts, like, a lot when I reach that far up :(

My scar. It seems to be healing nicely. And looks great! Well, from a scar point of view. It's almost 7 inches long. I would prefer my breast but, hey, I've still got my life.

We got our power back ...yesterday

Photo: Photo taken by a 12 yr old girl from Seattle while camping with her family. Well, what is it?! ("Photoshop'ed".......?!)

A huge wind and rain storm hit our area of California last Thursday night. We lost power that night and the lights didn't come back on until Saturday evening. Then they went out again, then came on Sunday late morning, then went out again, and then came on later that day.

Fingers crossed we keep it for a while. We have cable phone and Internet, and we lost that too. My mobile phone worked through out the power cut (AT&T) but Ron's mobile phone service (Verizon) was dead.

We had 8 inches of rain and gale force winds (hurricane force over the hills; 107mph gust).

Anyway, here I am back :)

Things to discuss in future posts:-

+Pain Management (again)
+Discussions with anesthesiologist (like, "why did I wake Up"?!)
+Women breasts and our society ;)
+Beach Walks
+Breast Reconstruction Choices
+Appreciation and Gratitude
+"Metta" and "Karuna"

Another storm is going to hit tomorrow morning. May we keep our electricity!